Sometimes I doubt that I'm actually pregnant, that I'll actually be a mother. Even still, when my entire body is evidence to that fact. I watch Madeline roll around beneath my skin and wonder how I deserve to be blessed like this. I was called by my Father in Heaven to be a mother. He thinks more of me than I could ever stand to think of myself.

Less than forty days, and I'll be able to cradle her in my arms. My uterus is getting tired, anyways.

Yesterday was wonderful. Sunday always brings light to the darkest of times. My husband and I are finally above the water in terms of finances. That was my greatest concern for the time being. Moving back to Plano was definitely costly, but we decided that we'd rather be broke and happy. Not fearing the future is such a refreshing feeling. Sure, I don't really know how I'm going to react to being a young mother, but I'm not quite "scared." I'm comfortable in my own skin. Each day I find a new flaw, but I know my Heavenly Father made me this way. There is someone beautiful looking back at me in the mirror, even if I forget.
There's something bittersweet in seeing off a good friend on their Mission. I've grown accustomed to saying goodbye to people in my life, mainly family that forgot what family meant, because it would be beneficial to me. It's a rare day when you watch somebody leave to pick up the fallen. I say "fallen" because I believe the words the Elders spoke to me literally lifted me out of my drunken stupor. If we were all humble as those Missionaries - who devote 2 solid years of nothing but sharing the Gospel to those who need to hear it - life wouldn't be such a hard walk. Daniel, I mean Elder Hyer, I wonder how you'll change. Will you still swing-dance with me? Don't forget me, okay?

Shiloah's really excited about being Madeline's Godmother. I cannot think of a more responsible and amazing woman than her. Sweet business.

The chores are stacking up, and I'm loving it. I haven't had this much energy since we first moved into our apartment. We renewed our lease yesterday much to my mother's disdain. She really wanted us to come stay with her until the baby was born. I couldn't really take much more of Lewisville. And besides, I'm happy just being with my husband. Whether we're in a higher-end apartment complex or not does not matter to me. I want our bodies to be entwined for as long as possible, if I were living back home this would not happen. We've been married for six months now. Our relationship is absolute paradise to me. If you can escape from the world in the eyes of another, you've found something real. Out of those six months we've been married, I've been carrying our baby for five and a half. We're told SO often that we should have at least waited a year, but you will NEVER hear me complain about Madeline coming quickly in our lives. So many people have trouble conceiving, and we got pregnant within about two weeks of being married. That is a sweet blessing to me. Though we are young, I will not act like she is a burden on my growth. She isn't. She is the biggest part of my progression. A love like this cannot be matched.

I am a woman.

My Oma gave me a whole thing of Oreos. Excuse me for a minute while I finish getting the crumbs all over my laptop.

Okay. This week I was pushed over the edge sanity-wise. Instead of throwing out hurtful nouns, verbs, and adjectives at innocent passersby, I decided to write my disappointments down on paper. I wrote for hours, I wrote until I thought my hand would detach itself from my body. I hoped to post those things that weighed me down, but as I read my five-page list of sorrow, I realized how silly I was. Sure, both of our vehicles were taken away due to unseen forces. Sure, somebody sent us a fraudulent check that cost us our funds for roughly a month. Most of the time, I feel like I'm in Purgatory, like I'm glued to this bed (which provides NO back support, and only angers me further). These things are trivial -ish. They have cost us dearly: namely my job, and my sweet husband's peace-of-mind. We don't have to wallow in guilt anymore. We have to stand up and be good and ready for our blessing in a tiny human package. I'm so tired of sitting, and waiting.
Now that I've "taken out the trash" so to speak, life has been so much better. The "trash" I speak of is other people's/my own doubts. If you think I'm too young to be a mother, don't tell me. I think there are women in their thirties that are too young. It's a state of mind, and I know that I'm ready. I'm not my mother, I'm not my mother's mother's mother. I've grown into my own. You will not find me asking my baby girl to pick me up from the bar because I'm too drunk to walk. You will not find me choking for air because I suck down two packs of cigarettes a day. I used to drink, and smoke in my mid-teens, but I am enlightened. That is not me anymore. I know that my life is not my own. It would be selfish to think that.


I say this a lot: I am a woman.
It means something to me. You're born a female, but you have to grow into a woman. It's an art.


I am a woman.

A day in this life.

Here I am: 20 years old, married to my wonderful Return Missionary, and I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for a year and one month. I have never known joy like I know joy now. Hand-in-hand with my husband, kneeling by the bed, in prayer. I know joy. I wake up to him on his days off and we count down the days until we can be sealed in the Temple. I tell him that I have never been this happy, this safe in my entire life. The night we got married we were laying in bed, crying. I in my wedding dress, and him in his suit. We were crying because of the joy we felt. Were we to die, we would still have eachother. Always. Families can be together forever. This I know. I've seen the bonds that our Heavenly Father made, and I know that they are unbreakable. I am thankful for my many blessings. I met my husband at my baptism, and I know that there are no coincidences. I am ever so thankful. I know that I fall down a lot, but I know my Elder Brother & Savior is always there to lend a hand.

Never have I been more happy.
Never have I felt so much love.

Here's my heart.

Yeah, I'm getting married in 9 days. Gosh! I'm so excited, too. There's still so much to do. I wonder if I'll even get everything done. I haven't finished picking out the bridesmaid's gifts, or picked out jewelry. I haven't even gotten Christopher's present. I have not a freaking clue what to get him. What to you get somebody the day you marry them that they are supposed to treasure forever? I thought marriage was the gift--or the honeymoon. ;) We've got eachother, isn't that enough? I seriously just don't know. A picture frame would be too ridiculous, because EVERYBODY and their mom is going to get us picture frames. It's what happens. Man, a week and two days away from being Mrs. Ashlee Dunn. That's completely nuts/awesome. We're not going to the Temple until next year, but I will hopefully get endowed in October.

Life has gotten better.
Prayer works.
And Sunday ALWAYS comes.
Christopher and I got our apartment about a week and a half ago, and we love, love, love it. It's a two bed/two bath in Plano & it's only $675 a month! Plus, it's way adorable. Chris got a really good job as a nightshift manager at Racetrac. I really miss him, but it's worth it. Blah, I'm so nervous about next Friday.

The end.

Sweet love of mine.

Slow down, take a breath. This is a blessing.
You, my sweet darling, are a blessing in my life.
I love you so much.
I'll take care of you.