Where can I turn for peace?

Where can I turn for peace
Where is my solace
When other sources cease
To make me whole
When with a wounded heart
Anger, or malice
I draw myself apart
Searching my soul

Where, when my aching grows
Where, when I languish
Where, in my need to know
Where can I run
Where is the quiet hand
To calm my anguish
Who, who can understand
He, only One

He answers privately
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane
Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace he finds
For my beseeching
Constant he is and kind
Love without end
________________________________________________

Father, how do I turn from Thee so fast? How can I push
Thee, and Thy Son away so quickly? I don't know, but I hate
it. I want to show Thee that I love Thee. These times are proving
to be quite difficult.
I'm scared.
It's my own fault, though.
The consequences of sin are hardly easy to bear.

I really hope that Christopher does well on his test on Monday
(I thought it was Tuesday). The job as a police dispatcher pays
pretty well. We need the money so bad. That's an understatement.
We're getting married in 183 days, and we have 0 dollars.
I'm not kidding.
What with me being on probation and all--that makes it near
impossible for me to get a job because everywhere does background
searches. I'm so baffled that I'm paying now for a crime I committed
in October of 2007.
The consequences of sin are hardly easy to bear.
A taste of my own medicine.
I don't care if we hardly have any furniture. I just want to live,
somewhere, with Christopher. I don't want to be away from my
soon-to-be eternal companion longer than I have to be.
Even now, it's so hard. I hate having to say "goodbye" at night,
when I'd much rather just sleep in his (ridiculously comfortable) bed.
Chris, just marry me now. Do it.

Okay, so since this is "supposed" to be like a journal, I guess I'll tell
you what I did today.
Adam woke me up this morning at 7 (even though school was canceled)
with a startled grunt--he obviously did not know that I had spent the night.
I couldn't fall back asleep because Chris' couch literally kills my back.
So, Christopher saved me by letting me sleep in his room.....for five more
hours. Ridiculous. You know what else is ridiculous? I pretty much ate
an entire pizza by myself. Also, I could have eaten more.
Blah, blah, blah. My life is so boring.
Anyways, Chris went to work, I drove home, I bought celery, and did Wii Fit.
Now, I will do homework for 5 and a half hour until it's time to "wake up."
That's right, world. All. Nighter.

You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed.

"Help me know that You are near."

__________________________________________

I love each day with Christopher more and more. I love being
shocked each time my love for him grows more, and so much
more than I started with. I love the way it progresses, and the
way that he feels it grow too. I just said the lamest thing ever
to him (via aim, no doubt):

mylipsdonttouch (12:13:59 AM): You're so handsome--everything about you is everything I could ever want in a man. I don't care about money, I'm happy with you. I'm SO happy with you. You are my sweetest prayer, answered. An eternal gift to me, for choosing the right.
Cudlee Man (12:14:27 AM): thank you
mylipsdonttouch (12:15:09 AM): I mean it. There is only you for me.
Cudlee Man (12:15:56 AM): I know
Cudlee Man (12:16:01 AM): I feel the same way about you
mylipsdonttouch (12:17:46 AM): Gosh, I am so in love with you.
mylipsdonttouch (12:17:56 AM): I hope everybody gets to feel like this.
mylipsdonttouch (12:18:01 AM): I wish they could.

I wasn't trying to be cocky when I said "An eternal gift to me, for
choosing the right," but we did meet at my baptism and start going
out two weeks later. I feel that way. Being with him is a reward. How
do I deserve him? - throws up - I'm much too sappy.

I love Sundays--the Testimonies of others, and the strengthening of our
own. The Fellowship. The reverence of my peers as the Sacrament is being
passed. We might be rowdy sometimes, outside of Church (sometimes
inside), but something beautiful happens when the Sacrament is passed.
This might sound weird, but I'm always reminded of a lullaby. It doesn't
put me to sleep, but it relaxes me, and I feel the Spirit strongly tugging
on my heart. I remember you, I know you, my Jesus. Rather, instead of
making me drowzy, it awakes the spirit within me, making it dance.
How may I be more like Thee, Lord? I want to. I wish I was stronger. I
mess up too much, and I haven't been a good example to my peers. My
wish is to show them my heart. I want to show all my love for them.
I want to be a teacher to Chris, as I want him to be for me.
It shouldn't be one-sided; we can be examples to eachother.
If you serve Heavenly Father & share the Gospel, you are a Missionary.
We are here to spread a message of Love, and give hope to the weary.
I want to be better.
I really do.
My heart longs to be more like my perfect, beautiful Savior's, but quickly
gives into the flesh. Daddy, please show me the way.

I know that God is my Heavenly Father, and that He loves me so much.
I am His little girl, and when I hurt, His heart breaks for me. He longs for
the day when I can be with Him again. I know this.

My Savior, He can move the mountains.

"Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see"

________________________________________________

I was listening to this song when I was driving home the other
night, and I did the craziest thing I've done in a while. I lifted my
hands to worship my Father. I haven't done that in over a year.
Like, I've forgotten. I feel like people will look at me like I'm crazy
if I do that. Does it matter? I want to give myself away, my heart
to my Savior. A lot of people think that's not reverent, but how not?
We should be "jumping for joy." Overly in Love with our Father above.
I don't want to base my faith off the way other people feel.
That's cult-like. The testimony's of others do help strengthen mine,
but I don't want it to be based of others. Do I sound selfish?
I hope not.
I want to dance for the Lord, and I want to fall on my knees for Him.

Christopher is sitting beside me, playing a game on the computer.
Awesome. By "awesome" I mean "ridiculous."

I love you.

Count your blessings, name them one-by-one.

"I just found out that life is hard." - Christopher said that to me last night.
He was right. It really is hard. Nobody told us that it would be easy. In fact,
our Heavenly Father told us quite the opposite before we came to this secular
place. We can make it easier on ourselves, though. Follow the commandments.
In doing so, we are promised great blessings. We can make the trials of life
much more bearable (barable? No, I was right) by walking through the shadows
with an open heart, always seeking the fruit of the Gospel.
I'm going through some stuff right now.
I just can't sleep at night--I think I have too much on my plate.
Well, I feel that way anyways.
I wake up/go to sleep overwhelmed, and then I hear my favorite hymn.
Listening to the Lord literally melts my troubles away.
Do good on earth, share your knowledge with others, go forth and prosper.

You are promised Heaven in doing so.









Christopher Eli Dunn, I love you.

"You smell like bacon"

Christopher is making me do this.
If it were my choice, I would be kickin' it old school on xanga. You're not that
lucky, though. You have to read this. By "you" I mean "Christopher." Chris,
you're probably the only person who's going to read this.

In any case:
Today I went back to college, and it smells like dead people. I'm not kidding.
And to top it off, Christopher's jacket smells like bacon. I'm walking around
with butt-chin bacon boy. Check out that alliteration.
We're getting married in 192 days.
I cannot believe how lucky I am. I love him so much.
I'm only saying this because he's sitting right next to me.
I'm actually plotting to kill him on our honeymoon, and then I'm going to
steal his dog with the floppy ears.
I'm hyper.
Oh, snap.
Ugh, and I start work today.

Chris, I love you.